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Hugh heaved a breath
drinking in deep, another then another to follow before he cupped his head
into his hands, leaning down as if on the verge of being sick. What she
didn't realize is how much it took out of him to do this by himself and
bring her there. Mental exhaustion had gone to a crucial point and he
needed to revitalize, he needed energy back that had been drained
to near
collapsing. Words were ragged as he could feel her reaction while
remaining in that position like one drunk and couldn't lift their
head nor focus their eyes when they went beyond a certain point. Except
it was one that could be regained, which he was doing. "It is not
about you. It is
not about me. It is about us and our race as a whole and as individuals
of that whole. We were the ones chosen by design in the ever working
pattern of the universe to survive and survive again to continue our
race. One that was honored as we are honored in turn." He
hoped she understood the deeper meanings of these words. "You need
to see, to feel, a past that was forgotten to you but as surely yours as
everything else that happened afterwards." Silence came in a draw
of breath as he slowly lifted his head again. Eyes of the deepest red
brown lifted to meet hers if possible. To search.
Pulling herself from
those memories was hard, and setting them into her mind as part of
something that was now in the past and no longer possible was slightly
harder. There had been so much sacrifice and so much gained. Who was she
to be selfish, and
seeing how much it took from Hugh, her heart jumped and her insides
seemed to turn soft with concern. "Hugh ... " She moved then,
to her knees so that she was in essence kneeling before him while he
held his head in his own hands. "I do not know what to say, and I
am overwhelmed." Her words, the carefully modulated tone of them
was laced with something she herself didn't understand. It was a
feminine softness that she hadn't up until now been familiar with. It
was tentative, that touch of fingertips to his forearm. "Forgive
me, that I cannot fully understand it all at once as you would have me.
I will need ... time, to understand." Earth colored eyes remained
soft if
only because with this new sense of self she was unsure where or how to
proceed. It would only take more time, now that her eyes were now fully
open to the history of her past, yet she could see how much it cost Hugh
and that, hurt in a way.
He
had cared for her two life times ago or how it felt. He had to accept
when the new world emerged he was to let it go. It was easier then for
they were all a part. All as One. He had the memories but they didn't
hold the impact they held once they came to this parallel universe that
was like it once was for them. It was why he had gone to the cabin so
often and for long periods of time for then he didn't have
look upon her, remembering as it had been so long ago. He
realized now the burden was lifted for now she knew too and it could be
accepted as was and as is. "I am sorry for the pain, Ana, I am
sorry for the pain long ago that was as dust in the wind until that wind
came around again carrying it home. Perhaps I can now live with it
knowing you at least knew we shared something special and the fuller
meaning so you can too accept what was and what is. It is possible the
subconscious plagued for you to be truly whole until things were face
you had no clue to before." Hands had moved to cup the sides of her
head, thumbs brushing against her cheek in a slow comforting motion.
"It will take time. There is much and more now that you will
remember of your own, things I cannot give you but shared that which we
shared. I think it was important even if you feel disoriented. Do you
wish time by yourself now?" Thumbs stilling as he waited her reply.
There was that shared caring still even with the other. "It is said
there will be pain before one can truly heal."
"Hugh, it hurts
even knowing that it is in the past." Could time really heal that
open wound that although was no longer bloody and seeping, it was
healing and stole her breath from the moment his thumbs brushed her
cheeks. "It will take
time as you say, and I am hopeful that with this open to me now I will
remember other things of my life in the past and perhaps regain what
footing I am of the person I was, and who I am now." More than
anything she wished to
find more of herself, to try and piece together just who she was and how
she fit into this strange, new, if parallel world. Her eyes were stung
with emotion, no tears and although they welled in them, they did not
spill over. She
held them back, blinking thickly fringed lashes to stay her vision from
blurring. "Do not leave me, please. Stay with me, just for a little
while?" She didn't want to be alone, didn't want to face those
memories by herself when everything
was still so new and confusing.
His
eyes had watered, it was why they took on the quality of liquid fire,
molten lava. He felt her pain, knew her pain for it had been his for a
long while. It took time once they came here. The burden of
which he had carried alone. If he could help by just being here for her,
it would make it all right somehow. Balance it out. He leaned in as
lips touched her
forehead then each eye to kiss away those tears that threatened. He
adjusted in his seat while easing her up to sit on his lap and cradled
her there in his arms if she allowed him. No words were needed, for he
drew back upon that sharing and she knew he would not leave her alone
and that past life long ago, he had not purposely abandoned her then
either. It made a difference. She would accept then build upon a past
that gave her footing and in turn, direction. This was what she had
needed. Eyes closed as he leaned his head against hers while just
holding her.
Even the quiet of his
mind seemed to help her move from confusion to tranquility. With each
embrace, he eased the tension that seemed to have sank into her muscles
and she went like a child into his arms, holding fast to the physical
purchase he provided, while at the same time that calm, deep mind of his
offered her an oasis that she could stand within while all around her,
her world was in an upheaval. This closeness was needed, and she sighed
if not for
just that mental closeness, but the familiar scent that calmed the feral
nature that had before now continued to plague her with an overwhelming
sense of anger. "I feel ... felt as if I had been left by you
without word because I had done something to deserve it. My heart ...
hurt." She could barely describe the painful fissure that seemed to
lay itself deep into her heart then, nor how his sacrifice had affected
her. That he had given up so much, and all for the others made her eyes
sting again, and childishly she sniffled while wiping the back of her
hand against them. Drawing it away wet, she licked the salt from her own
skin and found that both the newness of the emotion and the that of the
past made her laugh as she realized what she had just done.
A
single tear of his fell onto her hand just before she licked it,
mingling with hers. He felt for her, and showing her the past meant
opening up a wound that had been covered over even if not healed. Maybe
it could now. "It is said, and written in stories, how a heart
wounded is worse than a thousand physical deaths. The heart of the poet
cries out for that pain suffered by so many even when, it had not been
as you thought. As strange as it seems, there is a beauty in such raw
emotions that bring you to heights, be they of pain or ecstasy that
otherwise cannot be to keep an emotional balance. Philosophers through
the centuries debated which is better, to feel which means
pain too or not to feel
and live in a protected bubble but never really experiencing anything
fully." One hand had lifted to brush back her hair and even a
trace of his fingertip along the shell of her ear. A tender touch and
one meant to comfort.
The
surface of the skin on the back of her hand glistened, the mingled tears
leaving their salt there as she listened. "I was without knowing
the why of them, the how and now that I am overcome with them I feel as
if there might never be
a balance for me. Hugh, how could you see me all these days and know
what it was we shared without hurting so deeply?" That she knew
what that hurt could mean now was pulling more and more from her heart
than she
thought could be possible for a person to feel. "Leave heartache to
the poets, at least those who have some sort of talent for putting
emotion to words. For I am no poet." Even with all these emotions,
nothing seemed to dull the fierceness
that seemed to remain leashed just beneath the surface of her mind. It
paced, straining now and again against the tether that kept it in check
and it was perhaps in that moment that she understood that no matter how
civil no matter how much of her emotions she understood there would
always be that link to something far more primitive, something far more
earthly. "It will take time ... I need time." She could
not remain in his arms without the past being dredged up in a sweet,
painful way. Easing herself from the shelter of his arms she paced away
slowly as if trying to sort through that which was then, and that which
was now. It would indeed take time. "A walk is perhaps the best
thing I might do now, in order to settle my mind and body." That
she physically felt now would be something else to consider all
together.
He
listened and more, he felt. He felt her struggle and her anguish. There
was something more that had nothing to do with him or the past she was
now privy to. One
she could use to help balance it all. He stood to his full height as
concern drew the
dip of his brow. Eyes blazed as he tried to see deeper. "There is
more that is personally yours to discover. I am, in the least and
always, your friend, Ana." His pain in it, he dealt with how he
could and most was by putting it in the proper
perspective without
diminishing anything beautiful that had been to taint it into something
else for not being allowed. This was what he discovered. "I feel
you need what is called, self discovery. I am going to suggest you spend
time at a cabin, you can use the one I used to come closer to nature. To
understand the pattern of this
world we now live in.
In understanding I was able to adjust. I have done the best I can but it
may be more that you need. I will suggest that if this step in self
discovery still is not the answer that one of the Druids be sought out.
I wish for you to be whole." He didn't come near her again
after she moved away from him, instead he moved to the door and
with a pass of his hand it slid open silently to the world waiting for
them just beyond its threshold.
"Hugh
..." Her voice was softened by emotion, and when she turned to look
over her shoulder there was something that flickered there briefly in
her eyes. "Thank you, for everything you did for me ... everything
you were to me." She could not yet look too deeply into that past,
it hurt and knowing that he felt her hurt only made her want to shudder
further into some protective shell to keep it from him. "I will
attempt this, self discovery as you suggest and as you say, this should
help." She just needed some time, and some space away from the
endless chatter and the endless questing of other minds. It would
be a road that wasn't completely smooth, but was that not the point of
this journey? |
